Once Lost, Never Again

Once Lost, Never Again

Darkness.

She opened her eyes only to see darkness, in a panic realizing she had once again been asleep smothered under a mountain of blankets and pillows all squished between a stinky rusty old mattress and ten year old dirty shag carpeting. This cave where she hid often was referred to as her bat cave, but only in her mind, for the location was unknown to anyone else. This was her secret place, a place of solitude and quite, the only place where the mind would be free from the heart ache and the pain of reality. This was a happy place, with a close of her eye lids her surroundings became transformed into a utopia of adventure and thought, her brain could breathe but her alone time has come to an end for the night.

With a wiggle and a kick or two a little pale mass with blonde locks imergered into a small filthy room. Toys and stuffed animals covered every inch in sight from roof top to the carpet, a never ending mass of passed down broken toys and unidentifiable parts to miss matched things, like a sea of destruction had passed through and left nothing but the leftovers of a resent storm surge.

The sight was not pretty but it was hers, the tiny ten foot by ten foot bedroom was all that she could call hers, the only thing that remained in her position over the time of her existence. With a glance at the clock and a flutter of her heart, she realized she was late, late for school and missing the bus under any circumstance was punished like a felony in her household. In a whirlwind of disaster she quickly put herself together, grabbed her shoes, socks and backpack and flew out the front door; activating every ounce of energy that accumulated in her body over night to sprint as fast as she could to her bus stop. Running as fast as the speed of light, hopping and jumping over large rocks and some broken glass her feet failed her not, she did not miss her bus! Panting like a dog, her feet numb and cold from the harsh exposure to cracked asphalt, she gingerly tip-toed up the riveted hard stairs in attempt to protect her now sore heels making  her way to the closest empty seat. She sat alone every other morning which became lonely at times but allowed her to spread out and have more room to herself; before getting herself comfortable she dusted her feet off and quickly stumbled through securing her shoes to her feet before the heckling from the other kids began. The kids on her bus were mean, they were vicious and relentless. They often badgered the girl and outted all of her flaws and all of her imperfections.

She went to a school full of many proper, rich, religious, snooty kids, all of which she was not. She was the tarnished nail in a pile of brand new wood screws, no matter how hard she tried she would never amount to the same and she knew that, but against all odds she tried with all of her might to just fit in, to just coast by as invisible as possible. She envied the kids at her school, mostly the girls. The girls would come to school looking immaculate, not a strand of hair misplaced, not a crease in their beautiful skirts, not even a scuff on their shoes. For the girl this impeccable reality was overwhelming and exhausting, most days she arrived at school in a rush and a few notches worse than a mess. On a good day her clothes would be clean yet masked in an overwhelming odor of cigarette smoke, her shoes would be coated in filth and sometimes the glue on the bottom of the sole would let loose leaving the sole of her shoe flopping off exposing the majority of her worn holey sock but they served their purpose: they covered her feet and attempted to protect them from the outside harshness. She lived in a bubble of fear and embarrassment lightly callused by time because she knew she was different, she knew she was out casted and shamed because of her inabilities to conform to her surroundings this often immobilized her with pain and anxiety.

This day was not like any other typical Monday a classmate of hers had not showed up to school but stayed in bed sick. In her school the seats were assigned by alphabetical order of their last names and with her classmate missing for the day, her seat was moved and she was placed across the table from the girls she tried so hard to avoid. Like a nightmare come true she was now face to face with the group of pretty girls in her class. Like a chameleon she tried to just blend into her surroundings and kept extra quiet, trying not to draw any unwanted attention to herself. In this quietness she overheard the pretty girls talking about their amazing weekend adventures, full of play dates, piano rehearsals, and ice cream treats, but today she was introduced to something new, something she knew nothing about, bible study. She tuned her ears to pick up on the pretty girls every word, she was intrigued, soon she learned that bible study was some kind of class that parents put their children in when they go to church to learn about God and his ways. This was the first time she was introduced to the concept of God, this sent her mind into overdrive as she wandered down the halls of ideas and thoughts in her mind, no connection was made between her past and any kind of God leaving her with only one solution, research.

As quickly as she was intrigued by this new phenomenon of religion the lunch bell rang and she was herded off back to class so her thoughts would have to stand by until she could once again ponder the possibilities. The curiosity became too much for the girl so she asked a few bland questions spread out among her teachers and peers leading her to a basic conclusion of what “God” was. She summed it up as God was a fictional character, like a cartoon character, that people worshiped and abided by with the belief that he was the creator of all good and evil. This led her to the relive the closest “God” like scenario she had ever been exposed to, the scene from The Lion King when all of the hyenas were bowing and marching for their master Scar, Scar seemed fit every necessary qualification to be called a God in her mind.

This image did not sit well with her so she allowed her curiosity to wander but kept it on a short leash. She feared being sucked into this world of mind numbing obisse giving her every fiber of being to be brainwashed into serving this fictional creature that she could not even see or talk to, she feared becoming a pawn in some kind of evil chess game. Nothing could contain her thoughts or feelings for that is all that she possessed that nobody could ever take away, unlike her material items, unless she allowed them. She defensively concluded that she was not about to just hand her most pride position to some idea conquered up in her brain. With a very preoccupied mind, hours upon hours were spent day dreaming about the possibilities of God, good and bad, and just how real it could all be but it just never really added up to make perfect sense. The day’s school work clearly showed her lack of concentration leading to an aggravated teacher marking the girl’s grade boxes with less than qualifying numbers.

Later in the day, school ended as it always did with a loud ring of a bell and screams of freedom, and like a zombie lost in thought the girl gathered her few belongings and made her way to the bus. She was the first one on the bus as always, found her seat and planted herself quietly as the other kids slowly filed down the aisle. Knowing the torment was about to begin yet again she began to zone out into her mind, her happy place where she could not be disturbed and once again allowed the gears to begin turning but now her mind was drowning in a pool of dreadful anticipations waiting for her once she got home. She began to file threw the list of what was expected of her this afternoon, first was to conquer up a lie to temporarily release her of any homework or chores to be done so she could swiftly slip through the crack of the door and disappear outside until the sun went down and the lights came on outside. Like many other days she arrived home to find her mother passed out on the couch snoring, with the end credits and music of the Oprah show blaring threw the television speakers. Her mother’s lack of consciousness released her of the days preplanned mind game allowing her to quietly sneak out.

For the next few hours, like every other day, she once again endured the torment of all the neighborhood kids, who were all boys without an ounce of support from her older brother. She tried her hardest to fit in with them just so she could interact with the other children and not be alone. The boys reluctantly included her only so they did not have to sit through their mother’s pre-rehearsed lecture of including everyone. Each mother in the trailer park had their own monotone acceptance speech rehearsed for their children just for the occasion of the only girl running home crying to her mother, which they all would have to sit threw time and time again until the whiney neighborhood girl either quit crying to her mom or they just accepted her company. Neither of which happened.

Soon the sun went down and the street lights came on and with a loud bellow of their mother’s voice calling their names down the street, the girl and her brother quickly returned home. Almost every night was the same, the girl and her brother would swiftly scramble to try and complete the bare minimum expectancies of chores and homework that had been pressed on to them. This entailed anything from doing the laundry to doing the dishes, vacuuming the house, sweeping, and sometimes cooking then every few days they would reluctantly bathe themselves. As soon as the clock struck eight pm they knew the procedure to follow, quietly go to your room and leave the adults alone, this time allowed her to tie up all of the loose ends of homework and studies she had previously lied about completing if asked.

Just as quickly as the girl returned to her domain, her parents would start getting routey. The subject went ignored and unspoken about for a long time but everyone knew the schedule by heart and feared the consequences of not keeping to it. Most days, between the sneaking out of the house to go play once home, and the street lights signaling their return home a poison would quietly slither its way into their day. This poison was relentless, intolerable and could curdle the girls stomach with a sniff from the bottle, her parents cheerfully referred to this poison as “whiskey”. She more or less referred to this poison as the disgusting light brown syrup they mixed with Coca-Cola and ice in an old mason jar that would send them threw stages of stupidity and anger. For as long as the girl could remember this poison was a permanet member of their household, no matter how little money or food they had, the bottle was never left off the top of the grocery list.

Every night the schedule would be the same, bedtime came early with a hasty kiss and a hug for her mother and her father while they remained mesmerized by the illusions of the television and computer, she would make her way back down the hall saying a brief “I love you, goodnight” to her brother, and would promptly tuck herself into her bed, comforted by tons of old ratty stuffed animals and mounds of blankets. She would lie at night in bed staring at the roof with only the blue glow of numbers and soft voices from the radio to keep her company. Like any other resting moment in her day, the girls mind would often wander, keeping her up for hours upon hours of the night.

She would think of everything imaginable but tonight, like the day was different, tonight she could only think of one thing, God. She craved knowledge and understanding and for whatever reason this concept of God had a tight grasp on her, she couldn’t shake it no matter how hard she tried. Slowly she could feel her brain escape her body and begin soaring through the clouds, once again leading her on a journey of solving life problems and difficult questions. This night was like many others, far away in the land of wonder and possibilities she was once again interrupted by the screaming and fighting of her intoxicated parents. This always left her with an unsettling feeling, with nowhere to go or no one to hold on to, she would gather all of her stuffed animals and linens and once again forge a tunnel to her bat cave, the only place in the world where she could be entirely alone and safe. This bat cave was her utopia, pressed between a stinky dirty old mattress and ancient filthy shag carpet she just knew that nobody could ever find her, but more importantly nobody could ever hurt her and this coated her in comfort. She built up walls along the edge of her bedframe creating a thick barrier of protection that would also mute most of the sounds of her house.

In the presence of her security and solidarity the girls mind yet once again began to travel to the ends of her imagination but this night in particular was worse than any normal night. Soon the yelling and screaming of her parents fighting penetrated right through her wall of protective blankets. Soon the words became actions and with a tumble of the couch and a few cigarette burns the girl began to cry in fear, everything in the past has failed her but tonight she knew would be different, tonight she would pray. She didn’t know how to pray or what to say but she figured it wouldn’t hurt to at least try so she sat there and she talked to God in a soft whisper but she was convinced if he was so awesome and powerful then no doubt he would have the resources to hear her and take her from this pain and torment. Hours of one sided confessions and tears passed, leaving the girl finally out of words to say. She did not know how else to ask God for help so she begged him to be gracious enough to come and save her from this misery.

Soon the exhausted little girl fell into a deep sleep and dreamt of a land of promise and happiness and love, a place where pain was just a scary story rarely told by the old and wise. She decided that this had to be heaven. In this land of promise and eternal happiness she felt grand, she assumed that God had taken her and placed her in this wonderful place and that she would never again have to return to her bat cave for shelter and comfort. In the comfort of God’s arms she smiled, sang and rejoiced with those around her for she was finally home.

With an abrupt cling and a clang followed by a broken buzz the girl was once again startled awake by her broken worthless alarm clock. After a few breaths of the morning air infused with stale cigarette smoke, she sharply realized just where she was, she had returned to her bat cave, she had returned to her old hand-me-down ratty bugs bunny nightgown. God had failed her. Just like everything else in the world, God had failed her coating her in a thick and heavy blanket of dread, disgust and discouragement. This blanket was heavy and she carried it everywhere, it was something she could not shake, this blanket weighted her down for years, expanded and deflated with every breath she took, soon becoming only natural.

With a few years of bitter flavored dust separating the girl from her memories she entered a new chapter in her life. She became bitter and guarded with no trust or faith in anything that surrounded her, she was alone entirely. In these years that had passed many changes had occurred but the biggest change was in her household, her parents had separated. Her dad secretly moved on while still keeping her mother on a leash choking her as she swirled in a public toilet of toxins. Leaving her mother breathless without a single dime in her pocket she unknowingly witnessed a miracle; her mother stood from the ashes of the past with a trigger of pain in every limb. With nothing but years of  pointless existence submerged in alcohol and pain, she stood proud and walked through the road of glass, she got two steady jobs and began taking college classes to better herself; she was on her way to a new found success.

With a steady income and a finally warm loving house the girl tried to thrive to her every extent but the cloak of pain and despair remained, limiting her to her success. The devil was still lingering about pulling her in every chance he got in forms that she did not notice. Most prominently he came and went in the boys that she gave her heart too; each tore her to pieces and left her heart in worse condition than before. She craved this pain and could not figure out why, she avoided many bullets released from the devils gun but one was impossible to avoid, scared from past shrapnel, she fell for him. She fell for a man who could not do any more wrong to her for he had done it all, from lying to cheating to ruining relationships with those who loved her the most, he altered her entire existence. The devil manipulated his way into her soul for about a year slashing everything that meant anything to her, she did not realize until it was way too late. She awoke with a spark and realized the deception she had been under and swiftly got rid of her life’s poison and tried to start gluing the pieces back together. She had been exhausted and needed a crutch, someone to lean on, someone to hold her up, and someone a girl who trusted no one could trust.

Throughout the girls existence she had realized something about herself, she was born with an amazing instinct and gut feeling. When something was not right she knew, her gut would tell her and smother her in a displeasing feeling of pain, fear and anxiety, but when something was good when she knew that she had to hold on to something in her life her gut would tell her with an overwhelming feeling of connection and happiness, instinctually leading her to grasp on with no hesitation. As she grew older and listened to her gut feelings they grew stronger and easier for her to understand, they were familiar and she listened intently and used this feeling to her advantage, her compass threw life and the only thing she trusted.

With this silent prayer entered a man, a man sent to his mother from God years ago and man who was named by God in a dream his mother had while he a was a morsel in her womb. A man with a name straight from the bible who had resided under her nose and remained close for many years, he made himself present as if the time had finally become right. This man was damaged and had been lost for many years but one thing was certain, with a few random circumstances God intervened and brought them together, their time had finally come. At this time neither the girl nor the man knew the road that had been preset for them; they did not know God was involved in their pairing at all, all they knew was attraction and love. The two damaged people came together and were welded together, they were inseparable. The girl put every ounce of faith and loves into this man, like she had never before. He had some kind of familiarity, some kind of security. When he was around he draped the girl in confidence and love and protection like she had never felt before, she knew he was different but did not know to what extent.

Her gut would flutter with anticipation and love when she would hear the man’s name or see his face. The twinkle in his eye would light her entire world, creating a utopia for her once again. He was her living breathing bat cave; this inglorious feeling surrounded and consumed her. Insecure with her feelings and painful past she continued cautiously but could not help herself, she even asked the man to marry her after about a week or so of dating. After about a month of dating she was led to tattoo his first and last initials on the inside of her ankles, this behavior was not normal for her but something about him just captivated her. As the months continued she kept a grasp on her precious love, through the ups and the downs life bore on the two they remained united. A time came when the pain of their mistakes in life was miserable and the two decided to no longer see each other, the devil had won and the girl was distraught. Not knowing the reason, she felt empty and worthless; she had lost her love, her utopia, and once again lost to the devil.

Four days after the loss of her love, she was able to pick herself back up and dust herself off. This was a phase and she was going to move on, she may have loved the man but apparently it was not meant to last forever. With a new found smile after the storm the girl was hit with an emotional hurricane that ravaged her entire existence. Alone, confused, and horrified the girl learned that she had conceived a young child who found comfort in her womb.  Anger and pain still bubbling inside of her she made a decision to not tells anybody, not even tell the man. But soon she cracked and outpoured a flood of anger, pain and fear onto her best friend. Her best friend was sweet and always there to help, even though the girl did not keep her too close she depended on her shoulder and guidance, she had never been so alone or scared in her entire life and had no idea what to do. Her best friend took her hand and spoke to her with kind fluid words giving her the words she needed to hear. After five days of crying and silent praying to anybody who would listen she ignored her inner rage followed her once wise gut and confided in the man about their unborn child.

The man was at a loss for words but strong, he was scared but never showed fear, he was an unsinkable ship. After a few hours of back and forth possibilities for their future they came to an agreement, they decided they would try once again to see if things could be different since their situations were drastically changed now. The man grew within himself, he cleaned up his act and got things together and showered her with nothing but love and kindness and was her absolute everything, even more so than before. Shortly the pain of their past and fear for the future was masked by a sense of shaky confidence. This child had impeccable timing and was sent from God himself to mend the two together for life. Quickly the months flew by and they grew closer together, they were not only in love they were infatuated with each other, like the fairy tales they heard as children.

The girl struggled with herself and her life, she was still a lost soul just now distracted by love and anticipation of starting a family. These spurts of happiness were the best feelings she had ever experienced so she assumed that is what eternal happiness feels like. She grew with every day that passed and loved her life, her life and the circumstances while they were not ideal, she was still in the best era of her existence and had a million reasons to smile. The two became three and then soon followed a fourth then a fifth.  In the time that had passed the girl and the man married and went on a dramatic painful roller coaster ride, from hurting each other to having their entire world fall at their feet, they learned to lean on each other, they learned that even though life can bring pain and love, the maintenance will always lie on your own shoulders.

Now married for almost four years but together for just under five years life has become confusing and pointless once again for the lost girl.  She no longer understands her reasons or how she got to where she is, with a new eye open she feels some kind of tingle in her gut. She feels this tingle and it’s a strange feeling, like something trying to wiggle its way through her callused fortress of protection but again she is confused and does not know what it is, but she shows little concern with her focus only on herself and just making it by, but that tingle has grasped her gut. As the time had passed there had been many “close calls” and tons of despair and pain in the girl’s heart so with little time passing this new discovery sparks her curiosity.

In a dream she was challenged to once again discover God and what he is about but she resisted. The pain of the past that she blamed God for was overbearing, the kind of pain that she could never forgive, God let her down before so why revisit the past. But a few weeks of off and on dreaming she was convinced to give him a try, what could it hurt to just try and see what God and is power’s all about.

The following morning the girl awoke and had herself a one sided almost silent conversation with God, she told him that she did not know what he was about or what all was going on or if he was even present in her or her life, but if at all there was even the smallest chance to please just show her a sign. But the girl did not ask for any sign, the girl asked for a billboard on the moon that could be seen by the naked eye from Earth kind of a sign and all day she waited. She pondered and wondered whether or not God had heard her whispers and she kept her eyes as wide open as she possibly could, if he sent a sign she for sure did not want to miss it no matter how big or small. The day was long and dreary and once again the girl lay in bed, tossing and turning, trying to sleep with a lack of hope and an even more upsetting lack of faith in the world and her future.

Soon her body gave out and quit fighting relentlessly and she was able to dose off into a peaceful sleep. In this sleep the girl had wandered off into a new found place of thought that she was not familiar with. This place was unusually tranquil, she had not felt this abundance of tranquility in a very long time, and even so her mind only remembered a vague glimpse this in the past. Before she could put piece together her past memories she was confronted by a mass, this mass did not have a shape, it was more like the presence of a shadowy ghost with endless amount of dept. This mass had a voice; the voice of an older man, with the thunderous voice came words of wisdom. With an introduction for the books, the first words out of the mass were witty but clean, “You are a hard shell to crack.” And in an instant the girl knew exactly who she had been confronted by, she was face to face in most realistic dream she had ever entered, even more realistic then life’s own reality, with God. The one and only, the almighty one who everyone spoke of yet no one had truly seen the creator of all. He spoke kindly yet forward, very forward. With few sentences he took her on a journey that she would never forget. On this journey it was as if he physically accessed her brain and all of its contents, he broke down her life into fragments, lessons that he had tried to teach her over her lifetime. He showed her every intendance where he ever tried to reach out to her, and he walked with her threw the shadows of past like a graveyard of bad memories they remorse.

In the first circumstance he took her back in time to the very night where she prayed for him to save her as a little blonde haired girl, he continued to explain that he wanted so badly to save her but that he could not. He could not take her from her life, no matter how hard she begged, because she had a very important future. With comfort he told her that because she was so small she would not understand the logic behind his ways but instead he gave her a precious gift and took her to the place of utopia, he took her to heaven to show her that there is a God and that he does exist and this utopia exists to reinstall her faith and to get her hopes up for the future. He explained that he had given her a difficult and challenging past in order to mold her into the person he needed her to be in her future. She was a pawn in a game of chess after all, but not for evil. He showed her times in the past where she had spoken poorly of him, and had no faith or hope in him and how he tried to send her signals of love and strength but she just dismissed them all as conscience or accidental. He showed her all of the mistakes she had made in the past and how he chose to punish her, in order for her to learn the lessons she needed to grow. He showed her all of the good that he had done for her and how she dismissed him. He showed her how she would pray to him and he would answer her prayers but she just did not have enough faith in him to see her life for what it was. He showed her that she was very strong and very smart, too smart at times. He showed her how he gave her the man in her life to serve as her crutch and to carry her threw the tough times ahead of her, and to install faith in her heart once again. He corrected her past thoughts of conscience and taught her that it was all a plan, a test of strength and will power. But more importantly he showed her that he has always been there with her, this gave her a since of joy and lack of fear.

After reliving her past while holding the hand of God, she apologized with great sorrow and embarrassment and he replied by coating her with his tingly touch of relief, love and compassion. He understood, but even now she understood, after many years of confusion and fear she finally understood. He spoke to her and reminded her that she had been praying for help with her marriage and the other relationships in her life. He followed close with comfort, telling her that no matter what, it would be ok now, that she would no longer feel so alone.

God spoke to her sternly now and said that if she wanted him to be kind to her and help her for the remainder of her journey through life, that first she would have to take a few steps of her own. Without a shadow of a doubt the girl quickly replied of course, she would do anything. He continued to tell her that she needed to change her lifestyle, he needed her to pay more attention to those around her, she needed to start listening more intently and thinking much deeper before she speaks for she had lost value to those traits over time. God showed her what was wrong in her marriage that she could change and fix, he told her she was too distant and distracted with the world around her, that she needed to redirect all of her energy to her husband and her family and that life would do nothing but glisten and shine for her. He also told her that they needed to speak every day and that he would mentor her and help her with everything that is wrong in her life and he would help her correct it. As he was getting ready to leave he showed her a glimpse into her future, her life, if she were to take all of his advice and change her life for the good, to follow him and serve him as one of his children that he would truly bless her and her family in the near future, and as quickly as he appeared he disappeared. But now she was changed, he may have left her in her dream but there was a chunk of the tingle left in her gut. Her gut felt as if he had totally manifested himself in her and he was now a voice in her head and a feeling her gut.

As soon as he was gone the girl woke from her deep sleep, startled and confused of what was real and what was not. She remained very confused but did not care, she decided that God was with her now and even though she remains confused that she could trust and follow him wherever he told her to go, no questions asked, and she did just that. As reality became to clarify the girl’s mind’ eye she was chock-full with an overwhelming amount of happiness and content, an amount of security that she had never felt all at once. With this newly found happiness she jumped out of bed and decided this was it, today was the day to start a new chapter, today she was going to take direction from God and try her hardest to figure out his plan for her and her family.

At first it was a struggle, the girl went so long without, coated in pain and bitterness callised by time and fear. But the next few nights she kept to her everyday schedule and usual bedtime, as she would drift off to sleep every night a song came on the radio and it was God’s alarm clock, reminding her that it was time to hang up the hassles of the day and to begin their counseling session. With a giggle to herself, she began to try and talk to God, the conversation started one sided but slowly grew into a full in depth conversation each night, and she was hooked. She knew that this was real she knew that she now had a direction connection to God, no matter how insane people thought she kept to her word and she was committed to change.