I wish I could say I truly could careless, that if things were different I would feel no change. I wish God had made a thick skin uniform to cover my tender insides to protect me from this painful journey he has put me on, I wish in some senses I was numb to it by now.
I always dreamed of growing up and being relinquished from the tantalizing despairs of all the disappointments and pains surrounding me but I have come to realize, they do not ever go away I simply learn how to better mask them. I pretend to smile and let all else fade mean while a ball of cancer erodes my innards. I pretend to no longer care, I pretend none of it matters, that if I don’t acknowledge these things they will no longer occur, with this God finds challenge, he one ups my misconceptions and proves me wrong all over again. I’m not sure what he wants from someone like me but the hopeless feeling of self-pity has reached an all-time high at a loss for direction.
Everything happens for a reason, God always has an amazing plan that lives below the scar tissue but how does one ever get there when the lonely path of resentment travels so deeply under it all. I go one way with full faith that is where he wants me to go, only to be led into a raging circle of burning wilderness. I find a new path and follow thinking I was once mixed up but I am now found, only to be doused in acidic mixtures of distasteful scaring. Where does one go when all roads lead to discerning misery, where does one go before all else fails.
I must have been a psychopathic mass murder in a previous life, or at least I inherited their karma.
Confessions of the Lost but Recently Found 